On the scale of Earth Mother to Jeremy Clarkson, I normally skip through life at a happy medium. However, something about being pregnant has got me shuffling ever closer to the Earth Mother end of the scale, and I am unashamedly harboring the wildest possible fantasies of a joyful, pain-free, natural birth. Maybe with a few orgasms thrown in to boot. Yes, you read that right. According to the authority that is You Tube, orgasms during childbirth are completely possible.

There are a bewildering array of methods and techniques out there – Hypno-birthing, Conscious Birthing (involving Russian ladies emitting their offspring into the Black Sea, apparently), Orgasmic Birthing (yes please), Natural Birth Method, Active Birthing, the list goes on.

They all seem to have a similar underlying principle. Fear = pain. Here comes the science bit. Adrenaline causes the blood flow to move away from the uterus and the muscles to tense, making everything less fun. It also goes to war with the body’s natural painkillers, making things altogether less fun. Less fear, ergo, means less pain.

Hypno-birthing is based on the idea that you can use self-hypnosis techniques to achieve a state of complete relaxation. Luckily, this does not involve some dude with a moustache waving a pocket watch around, and then asking you to behave like a chicken. It just means you need to listen to someone else, a relaxation CD or the voices in your head telling you to relax, and then you do it.

Now if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s following instructions. My capacity to follow recipes has fooled many a guest into thinking I’m a good cook. As hard as they may try, even Ikea self-assembly pamphlets cannot outwit me. I’m that good. So if it really is as simple as learning some breathing techniques and telling myself to relax, I reckon I’ll have this whole thing nailed.

To those Mothers out there smirking to themselves at my wanton naivety, yes I am fully aware that any number of complications (or my own prerogative) may see me end up surrounded by doctors, machines and hardcore drugs.

But until then, my dream will live on. To have a peaceful and beautiful birthing experience, in 5-star hotel like surroundings, and in an ergonomically designed birthing spa tub. Just as nature intended.

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